Ice-Cold Takes (playoffs edition): Spongebob memes, the Maple Leafs and Smashville

Ice-Cold Takes is a weekly NHL humor column that dives deep into what is trending around the NHL. It’s also the official column of Washington Capitals fans, whom we’ve given our unwavering support since day 1.

We did it, Capitals fans! Together, we defeated the Columbus Blue Jackets and moved on to the second round! There’s no doubt we’ll beat the Pittsburgh Penguins next, right? Wrong.

The only thing off about my Caps prediction was the timing. Of course they would beat the Blue Jackets. It was as much of a sure thing as them losing to the Penguins is.

Don’t be fooled, fam. The Capitals will make this interesting, but the Penguins will win. They did last year and they did the year before that. Enjoy your little Metropolitan Trophy, Washington.

This week’s Ice-Cold Takes is going to be a little spicy, as perhaps I’m still reeling from the Boston Bruins losing two straight games. Not to worry, though, I have a solution. Let’s break down what is up in this league:

Trending Up

1. The Toronto Maple Leafs

On Saturday, a certain FanSided contributor reluctantly wrote a Game 5 preview for a hockey team he is very passionate about. Reluctantly, because said contributor is quite superstitious when it comes to predicting games involving his favorite team, the Boston Bruins. But it is too late; he wrote the prediction and his beloved Bruins went on to lose Games 5 and 6 to the Toronto Maple Leafs.

The same contributor is now going to write a Leafs vs. Bruins preview for Game 7 in Boston on Wednesday night. The difference this time, is that he now knows that the opposite of what he writes will come true. Here is your Game 7 preview:

The Toronto Maple Leafs are the greatest team in the National Hockey League. They are unstoppable. Frederik Andersen is the greatest goaltender of all time and he will get a shut out in Game 6. Shut out. Shut out. Shut out.

Auston Matthews is the best player in hockey. He will score seven goals in a 10-0 rout of the Bruins in front of their hometown crowd. He will have assists on the other three goals. He will not make a single mistake through the game and will be carried off to the dressing room by fans after his performance.

Nazem Kadri, the cleanest and friendliest hockey player to ever grace the ice, will have a goal and three assists. He will not take a single penalty because he is smart enough not to do stupid things, ever.

Frederik Andersen will get a shut out. Did we cover that yet? He will stop only 20 shots, because the Bruins won’t get many shots on goal or scoring opportunities. His shut out will be a very efficient shut out. Perhaps the greatest the league has ever seen.

Now we let the world work its magic…. Moving on.

2. This nasty goose

Golfing in North America is not without its dangerous wildlife. Canada is home to bears, mountain lions and wolves; the southern United States also add snakes and alligators to this list. Despite these animals posing some danger in isolated areas, the most common danger in the North American golf course  is the most vicious, vile, horrible creature on Earth: the Canada goose.

If you’ve ever hit your golf ball near a Canada goose, you’ve heard its piercing hiss. You approach the goose, golf club in hand, but it does not care. It has no sense of fear, only a desire for destruction. The goose will posture up, hiss, lunge, attack and bite at you until you leave or die. Just take a drop, it is not worth it. Sometimes, the Canada goose actively seeks out fights, like a drunk meathead after four too many whiskeys. The geese, like this one, don’t have time for your little game:

As you can see, the golfer is actively trying to avoid the spawn of Satan, but alas, the goose rocks him with a body check for the ages. Geese do not care if you are nice, considerate people. They do not care if you avoid them on the course. If they are having a bad day in their little goose lives, they take it out on the first weak human they come across. Geese always win.

3. The New Jersey Devils scoreboard guy

“NO! This is Patrick!” The Devils scoreboard operator at the Prudential Center knows that Spongebob Squarepants memes are all the rage right now. He used this as an opportunity to troll the often horribly wrong hockey operations department in Toronto. Beautiful:

If you aren’t up to date on your memes or your Spongebob knowledge then you, like Patrick, must live under a rock. Patrick Star is the best friend of Spongebob Squarepants in the popular children’s show. He is most notably an idiot. Using Patrick to depict what is going on with the wildly inconsistent goaltender interference calls this season is an A+ move by the Devils. Let’s see if we can come up with some of our own Spongebob memes from personal experience:

Here’s a live look at me right now:

Trending Down

1. FanSided contributor Bruin Belisle

Last night, I was reminded of something I may have said in a previous column. Cut back two weeks to a sentence that a younger, dumber me put in writing:

"If my own lucky jerseys don’t work and the Leafs and Bruins make it to Game 7, you will see me rocking a skin jersey like my man here, with a big bold “Donato” on my back."

Admittedly, I did not believe this series would go to seven games when I wrote this. But as a man of my word, I will be donning my brand new drawn-on Ryan Donato jersey for Game 7 of this series. Can’t mess with juju. I actually think I should be trending up for this. Shirts are uncomfortable.

2. Artemi Panarin

Everyone’s favorite sandwich shop-named all-star has been eliminated from the playoffs. The Columbus Blue Jackets lost four straight games to the Washington Capitals, as we here at Ice-Cold Takes predicted would happen. With no more Panarin, we get no more of this:

But wait a second. We still have Filip Forsberg, who can somehow do things like this:

Yeah. We’ll be okay. Bye, Artemi (read that with sass, it was meant to be sassy).

3. Smashville (maybe)

The Nashville Predators announced yesterday that there will be no white-outs in Nashville this spring. The Predators proclaimed that they will only be selling tickets to residents of their viewing area, which is hilarious but has also pissed off the Winnipeg fan base. Are you scared, Nashville? Because you are coming off a little scared.

Look, Nashville. We all know how fun you are. We all know how great your crowd is. You are very intense. However, Winnipeg is the only team in the league right now that can rival the intensity you bring to games. They are the second best best crowd in the NHL and now you are provoking them.

Do you want a white-out in May? Because this is how you get a white-out in May. Winnipeggers were probably content to just stay home and watch the games from inside their snow-covered huts. People in Winnipeg live in the snow for 11 months of the year. By choice! They love their city and they really love their team. They had as many people outside the stadium during Game 5 of their series against the Wild as they did inside. After they won, the Winnipeg police department handed them the city for the night. Yes, they shut down the busiest intersection in the city after a first round win:

The Jacksonville Jaguars tried a similar tactic in their NFL playoff game against the Buffalo Bills when they refused the sale of folding tables to anyone from outside of the state. Wouldn’t you know it, the #BillsMafia showed up in droves and broke all kinds of folding tables and lit things on fire all over their nicely kept stadium parking lot. The Preds are playing with fire here, or more accurately, ice. Winter is coming, Nashville.

Betting Locks of the Night (5-7)

Toronto (+152) over Boston: Might as well go all in on this play, right? This column is cursed.

Toronto Maple Leafs (+1850) to win Stanley Cup: Doubling down on this one to be as sure as possible that they will lose. Pick the Leafs to win the Cup! It’s a sure thing!

Enjoy Bruins vs. Leafs Game 7 and the rest of your week. Keep your head up!

Next: 7 most clutch performances of the 2018 Stanley Cup playoffs first round

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Odds provided by Oddsshark.