NBA Powerless Rankings: The players and teams with nothing going for them right now

You know that feeling when the nerves in your hand are tingling and you can’t quite make a tight fist? No? Just me? 

That’s essentially the musculoskeletal equivalent of these NBA characters and the kind of cachet they’re bringing to the league right now. If power rankings are the list you want to get to the top of, this is the list you don’t want to be anywhere near. This is not the Forbes 30 under 30; this is not a list to put on your resumé.

There are a lot of ways to be “powerless” in the NBA, and with this four-spot sampler I really tried to play the field. We have guys who are stuck on a crappy team with nowhere to go, teams stuck in someone else’s city and a two-way hostage situation in Detroit where the hostage takers are being held hostage by their hostages. It’s an absolute clown show up in here, so let’s try not to enjoy this too much. 

1. The Brooklyn Nets

• Main problem: They are in New York City but aren’t the Knicks
• Possible solution: Move to Long Island

The Nets top this list because they aren’t just basketball powerless (though they could probably use some power there) they’re, like … metaphysically powerless in the grand scheme of NBA geography. Literally what are they supposed to do in the New York media market now that the Knicks have taken every ounce of hype real estate?

If you are still a Nets fan after what just happened with the Knicks, I applaud you, seriously. That shows a level of legitimate commitment to a franchise that is the backbone of sports fandom. But teams survive not because of the die-hards but because they can engage their actual population generally. I see no avenue to doing that for the Nets.

I’m not a scholar of social behavior nor an economist who specializes in media market capitalization, and it’s possible that Brooklyn/NYC generally is big enough where this just #DoesNotMatter, but man it must feel crappy to have this decade of trying to go all-in while the Knicks mostly sucked only to have them turn around and win one of the most hype rings in NBA history. Tough scenes around, might be time to start thinking about evacuating the boroughs; Long Island? Hamptons? Back to New Jersey? I’m all ears. 

2. Jonathan Kuminga and his agent

• Main problem: Aaron Turner, Kuminga’s agent, keeps going on podcasts and embarrassing himself
• Possible solution: We collectively decide to stop thinking about Jonathan Kuminga

If you managed to miss this yesterday, Jonathan Kuminga and his agent, Aaron Turner, have been getting deep-fried for the two-year, $12.4 million contract he signed with the Minnesota Timberwolves after Turner turned down three years and $75 million last year. He then goes on Kevin O’Connor’s podcast and defends himself in the strangest way possible … something about Kuminga being the best player on the Atlanta Hawks? 

Here’s my solution to this: we stop engaging with the Jonathan Kuminga media circus. When Shams Charania tweeted about the deal, he went for the full-on “BREAKING:” opening, which I’d like to demand never be used for any Jonathan Kuminga-based information in the future. Kuminga has never, not once, been a first option on a team, let alone a good team, and will be about the 900th option on the Timberwolves after several hundred LaMelo Ball tween dribbles and many other priority options. 

If someone could just get in Kuminga’s ear and explain to him that he could make so much more money if he commits to being the kind of elite wing defender role player that he totally could be, everyone will be happier. Kuminga’s ceiling is not, like, LeBron … but he could totally be a rangy wing that makes hundreds of millions of dollars on good playoff teams. Anyway, we’re all going to stop talking about him now, starting with me.

3. The Detroit Pistons and Jalen Duren 

• Main problem: Both sides won’t sign the deal, neither can walk away
• Possible solution: Real-life staring contest for all the marbles

The Pistons and Duren have each backed themselves into a rather confusing corner; it’s like a corner in one of those mirror rooms at the science museum where you’re not sure if you’re in the corner or your mom is and then you bonk your head into the wall and go get an ice pack from museum first aid. Not that I would … uh, know anything about that.

Duren reportedly wants north of $40 million per year in his new contract, while the Pistons are offering him somewhere around $35 million for five years. The Pistons will argue that Duren is in no way worth the full All-NBA-tier max contract that he seems to want, nor can the Pistons invest that while the second apron still lives, while Duren’s camp would probably say “uh, yeah, he is, and pay the  man.”

At most, they’re disagreeing on $30ish million dollars — not nothing, but not enough to make me think a deal won’t get done. What makes this situation extra strange, though, is how neither side can really back out. If Duren doesn’t sign the deal, he would have to play on the qualifying offer, thus becoming a full unrestricted free agent next offseason but assume major financial risk when he could lock down $35 million per year right now — there’s no guarantee he gets that next offseason. The Pistons, meanwhile, are trying to build a championship contender in a now-very-competitive Eastern Conference. Duren isn’t some kind of distressed asset; they need him, and they can’t afford to lose him for nothing. So who’s going to blink first? 

Add us as a preferred source on Google

Follow