Opening Day was awesome, per usual in the MLB. George Springer and the Houston Astros flexed some serious power moves in their first game of the season.
Baseball is back and therefore, it is still fun. My Atlanta Braves did something I didn’t think they were capable of. Yeah, it was more than just winning, but cleanup Nick Markakis did something I never saw during my time as a Georgian. The dude went whammy! in walk-off fashion. No, he showed absolutely no emotion because stoicism is the fiber of his baseball being. Also, Joel Embiid broke his face, so it was a no good, very bad time for Philadelphia on Thursday. One of the rare times that it wasn’t Sunny in Philadelphia. Trust the Process and fix that leaky bullpen, Phillies.
Okay, I’m gonna be real with y’all. Baseball has been hard for me since Fredi Gonzalez Bullpen MGMT hurt my feelings all the time in 2014. I’m still scarred from 2015. For those who forgot, it was essentially 2017-18 Memphis Grizzlies basketball. Take that for data. Don’t draft this year’s Hasheem Thabeet.
But now that I’m trying to be a Chicagoan because work and stuff, I’m gonna really try to love baseball again this year. It’ll be a baptism by fire, as Wrigleyville is now my ‘hood. Go Cubbies, but mostly Go Joe Maddon for now because you’re awesome.
The dude once brought snakes to Tampa, you know, to shake things up. This could have also been a publicity stunt to get warm bodies in JuiceBox Park Thing. Fact: I don’t like snakes, but I endorse Joe Maddon 100 percent and so should you. Also, Will Ferrell playing Harry Caray on SNL talking to Jeff Goldblum about space and stuff is the greatest thing NBC has ever done. Parks and Rec is good, too. Ron Swanson for President 2020.
Last year, Matt Verderame thought it was a good idea for me to make baseball fun this week every week. This year, Josh Hill feels that he still needs his weekly fix on Buhler Baseball Things, so I’m gonna give it to him. Just not like DMX, ’cause that dude is going to jail now. Friendly reminder to be an adult and pay your taxes. I mean, they are inevitable, like death and Atlanta sports teams blowing leads. #28-3.
So here are some pictures to look at and some YouTube videos to click on. Heck, I might even put a few links to other awesome articles here at FanSided because baseball is back and if you’re not fired up about, well, then get fired up about it, blog boys. God, it’s still cold in Chicago, and I only own two coats that aren’t camo. But I still gotta make baseball fun this week, so here it goes.
George Springer uses a total power move to own fat, old Adrian Beltre.
Since they won the World Series last year, like, the Houston Astros can do whatever they want. I’m 100 percent for them doing ridiculous power moves all year long, especially against the Yankees ’cause they owned them last October. No, Houston had no problems on Thursday messing with them Texas Rangers.
George Springer is sprightly and very good at being very good at baseball. Adrian Beltre was at one time also very good at baseball, but he’s old and probably still has a flip phone. The guy is still ABSOLUTELY NO TOUCHING about his noggin. So don’t do it. You’ve been warned.
Well, Springer decided to make Ancient Adrian charge on a bunt and stuff. But Springer lied and hit a homer over Beltre’s NO TOUCHING head. If Only Springer rounded third and decided to pet Beltre’s beautiful ball cap. He would have HATED it, but that would have gone viral and that’s all that matters. We only have so many more opportunities for ball players to attempt to give Adrian a noogie.
Ian Happ homers, so this dude has to take a plunge into Lake Michigan.
Facts: A man is only as good as his word. Michael Cerami of Bleacher Nation owned social media yesterday because a.) he knows how to swim and b.) he likes the Cubbies. To me, those are two good things, especially if you can put a wager on them, which he did.
Cerami was all like, “I’m gonna jump in Lake Michigan if Ian Happ leads off the game with a homer versus the Marlins.” Happ beat the snot out of that dead fish baseball down in South Beach. Blocks from where I now reside, Cerami said hi to Lake Michigan. Gotta say, it was cool for sure.
There was Zero percent chance that Twitter was gonna let him not pay the lake a visit. He helped make yesterday the greatest day that I’ve ever known and I’ll always be thankful for that. Props to you being cool and cold like old Job because despite all my rage I’m not jumping into that LAKE!!!
Kyle Schwarber plays rec ball left field, Josh Donaldson is third base Chuck Knoblauch.
As a former pitcher with questionable “stuff”, I always HATED it when my fielders didn’t do their job. Newsflash: DO YOUR JOB. It’s not that hard, as you are getting paid to do this professionally, professional baseball athletes. Sadly, we saw two awesome hitters in the MLB do a fantastic job of auditioning to be DH’s in perpetuity. I’m talking ’bout you, Kyle Schwarber and Josh Donaldson.
Schwarber looked about as athletic as Eli Manning, or dare I say it, The Kung Fu Panda in left field for the Cubbies. It was a great attempt at making the Marlins look good. Had he done a Manny Ramirez Predator Monster cartwheel in left field, I would have been okay with this, but I’m not. Do better, Schwarber, so you don’t get banished to Iowa again. Des Moines misses you.
Donaldson might have won an MVP before, but his right arm is about as shot as mine. He was straight up doing Uncle Rico stuff for the Blue Jays at third base. It looked like Chuck Knoblauch at second and almost as bad as a Jon Lester pickoff move. I get that the hot corner is hot (tsst…), but this is baseball, man. Bounce passes only work at Villanova practices, dude. That might be aight for Jay Wright, but it’s wrong on so many levels in the big leagues. Unless you did it as a goof, then that’s always okay.
Astros do that four-man outfield thing…and it worked.
One thing that I have admired from afar about baseball these last few years is that these defenses are more innovative than anything the Ryan Bros and Jeff Fisher have done this millennium. It might look weird, but I’m okay with playing seven guys on the first-base side of the second-base bag because pull-hitting lefties forever suck. Learn to hit a breaking ball that breaks away from you, jerks. #TeamRighty
Word on the street is that them ‘Stros were cooking up something delicious this spring. Unfortunately, it wasn’t delicious barbecue ribs because Vince Wilfork was unavailable due to Kingsford obligations. Instead we got four dude outfields and I endorse this forever 100 percent. Some guys like Joey Gallo HATE hitting grounders and prefer pop flies. To me, this is the best way to humble Justin Turner, as the dude only pops the ball up. Andrelton Simmons has no chance at ever getting hits against the ‘Stros this year…AND THEY’RE DIVISION RIVALS!!!
Next: Every MLB team’s Mount Rushmore
Houston can still basically do whatever it wants this year on the diamond. Whether its trolling Beltre so hard all the time for being old and fat or trotting out there four bros in the outfield, just do it, man. Your stadium is goofy as it is with that li’l left field porch and that hill in center that may or may not still be there. To me, it’s always there in spirit. Remember that time the guy escaped up the hill? That was awesome. Also, choo-choo because y’all still got that outfield train, right? Now that I live in Chicago, I also endorse trains, even if Michelle Bruton tells me not to.