Ice Cold Takes: Gritty adopts, Matthews has no style and a clear lack of NHL news

Ice Cold Takes is an NHL humor column focused on what is trending around the NHL, even when there is nothing trending around the NHL.

You know it’s mid July when a Milan Lucic/James Neal trade is dominating your NHL timeline. We’re patiently sitting here, waiting for any form of interesting hockey news (Does anyone really care that much, though? It’s been too hot of a summer to be thinking about hockey anyway).

Chances are, your favorite team still has to sign a few RFA’s but all you see are fluff tweets from the NHL news accounts. Some of said tweets have dogs in them, though, which is always a welcomed distraction. At this point in the summer, we’re all in the same boat, waiting.

Speaking of boats. About a month ago, the column featured Mitch Marner doing some cool tricks on his wake surf board thing (Someone correct me if they are called something else). This week, Charlie McAvoy showed off a trick of his own.

Chucky does better on water that is frozen. There are no down trends in the summer time. Nothing but positives this week! Let’s get it.

Trending Up

Summers with dad

Auston Matthews and Patrick Marleau just can’t get enough of each other. Even after Marleau was traded (and bought out), he still made time to play with his adopted son Auston.

https://twitter.com/AM34/status/1152698948974309376

What is interesting about this picture is not that these two grown men decided to ride scooters around the city, but that they did it without the third musketeer, Mitch Marner. Uh oh. Trouble in paradise, Toronto? Marner has yet to sign with the Leafs and is most likely heading to the New York Islanders, so it seems he’s been ousted from the father-son club in Toronto.

Hey Auston, can I have a quick word? You’re supposed to be a fashion icon, aren’t you? The top knot was a bad look in 2017 when it was actually popular (And it does nothing for your hairline). You’re also wearing slides and socks. Miss me with that ish, buddy. We all know the only fashion icon everyone in Toronto looks up to is this guy…

Look. I’m no fashion guru. I wear jeans and a t-shirt to work every day. Still, even I know that dressing like a 40-some-year-old unemployed divorcee going out in the morning to grab the newspaper is well beyond the realm of abstract fashion. This isn’t a style, this is a guy who can’t dress himself.

Perhaps Matthews has already entered the downward spiral associated with losing both his dad and brother to other teams this season. With Marleau and Marner both gone, we can expect a full range of “I’ve given up” outfits from the one they once called Toronto’s fashion king. Next up, cookie monster pajama pants and a stained white undershirt.

Kirsten Simms 

Kirsten Simms, future Team USA Olympic gold medalist, has absolutely no respect for your goaltender.

https://twitter.com/usahockey/status/1152612189905268736

Why would anyone ever want to be a goalie? It takes a special kind of crazy to subject yourself to this kind of punishment on a nightly basis.

Gritty

You know what is stranger than anything on Stranger Things? Gritty. We haven’t spoken about our bright orange friend in a while, but he’s been having himself a great summer. Earlier this month, Gritty went down to the Jersey Shore for a vacation. For no apparent reason, other than Gritty needing a vacation. Since then, he’s been busy trying to wheel Mrs. Wheeler.

Oh, and he adopted a hermit crab…

That’s one less hermit crab on the streets. Thanks Gritty! PSA to everyone: Don’t support hermit crab mills. Be like Gritty and adopt, don’t shop.

The Calgary Flames and Edmonton Oilers 

Hear me out. The blockbuster trade of the summer was actually a decent trade for both teams involved, especially the Edmonton Oilers. On Friday, The Oilers and Flames swapped veterans, sending Milan Lucic South to Calgary and James Neal North, to Edmonton.

https://twitter.com/NHL/status/1152379644039114752

Neal, as we saw during his time as a Vegas Golden Knight, is a serviceable goal-scorer when paired with players who can elevate his game. He’s likely going to be playing with one or two of the better players in the NHL in Connor McDavid and Leon Draisaitl (possibly Ryan Nugent-Hopkins), which should help him return to form and notch a 30-goal season.

Milan Lucic also wins here. He gets to leave Edmonton for the much nicer, warmer, more beautiful city of Calgary. There is far more to do, the people are actually friendly and the city is amazing. He can enjoy the stampede every year and sit on the patio during those warm winter Chinook winds. Oh, and he adds some toughness to a team filled with speed, I guess.

Phil Kessel Day

As mentioned in the last Ice Cold Takes column, Phil Kessel being traded to Arizona has garnered some serious buzz for all of us who love hot dog-eating, no summer-skating, modern day super hero Phil. In honor of his trade, August 1st (8/1) will now officially be named Phil Kessel Day.

On Phil Kessel Day, you must wake up at 8:01 and book your tee time. You can go back to sleep afterward, though, because there’s no practicing in the summer. The rest of the day will be spent doing the following: Golfing, having drinks, eating hot dogs – for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

To truly enjoy Phil Kessel Day, all three of these things should be done at the same time. Hit the links for an enjoyable 18 holes with a few hot dogs stuffed into the side pocket of your golf bag. Crush those after you pick up a couple pints from the bar cart and enjoy life, as Phil does, unbothered by the need to work, practice, study, or doing whatever else is causing you anxiety in your life.

Phil Kessel Day culminates with a phone call to your sister (if you have one) thanking her for being slightly better at sports than you are and defending you against everyone who says you eat too many hot dogs. After that, hit the sack early and rest up. Only two more months of relaxing before the season starts.

Tweet your Phil Kessel Day photos to @TheRealBruin to be featured in the Phil Kessel appreciation post coming later this summer.

Keep your head up.