Rejoice, my basketball buddies! We are now well and truly into the NBA season. As we have been surveying the new landscape of the 81st season of the National Basketball Association, we have all been asking ourselves the same question: Which of the original 151 Pokémon does my favorite team most resemble?
Lucky for all of us, I have the answers.
Before we get started, let’s lay down some ground rules.
1. This is not an exercise to determine which Pokémon most closely resembles the mascot of each team (e.g. Charlotte Hornets – Beedril), but instead to determine which Pokémon most resembles the overall vibe of each team. If your team's mascot is some kind of bovine animal, but your team gives off the same energy as a high school freshman about to make out with a girl for the first time, you are not a Tauros — you are a Lickitung.
2. I only considered the original 151 Pokémon (commonly referred to as Gen 1 or Generation 1) in making this list. Yes, I know that that means that your favorite Pokémon might not have made the list, and yes, I know that that means some teams might not have their “perfect” Pokémon antecedent (The San Antonio Spurs and Deoxys would have been a layup). The truth is that there are just too many Pokémon and I stopped regularly following them like 15 years ago. I don’t even understand the concept of a “Mega Evolution”. What do you mean a rock can make Camerupt grow an actual volcano on its back?
3. In deciding the qualities of each Pokémon, I took information from various sources. I watched a little bit of the anime as a kid, played the games pretty regularly until Gen 5 (I wish there was more water in Hoenn) and consulted online resources regarding Pokédex entries and in-game stats. I don’t necessarily know what all of it means. What does the "Special" stat mean for pokemon? I don't know. I do know that whatever it is, Luka Doncic has a lot of it.
4. Less of a rule and more of a reminder that I don’t really know all that much about Pokémon. I know more than, say, my dad. He probably thinks that Mario is a Pokémon. But I know far less than, say, my friend Noah. He’s the kind of guy who would enjoy a Pokémon game where the Pokémon form a union and you had to manage their wages, PTO and their hit points (not to mention Ditto’s parental-leave). Also, a reminder that these are my own subjective comparisons, so even though I might not be right, I literally cannot be wrong.
Atlanta Hawks: Spearow
On the one hand, this comparison works because Spearow is a bird and The Atlanta Hawks are birds (yes, we are off to a terrific start). On the other deeper, more thematic hand though, this comparison works because neither Spearow nor the Hawks are very important to the overall plot in their current incarnation. I know that there are Hawks fans out there and I know that there are people who really like Spearow, but if you’re not one of those people, do you care about them? No.
The truth is that you’ve never really cared about Spearow. You’ve always had a Pidgey. You’ve always told yourself, “Maybe I’ll grab a Spearow the next time around”. Sure, the Hawks can make the playoffs and make a little noise, and sure Spearow can evolve into Fearow (a much bigger, better and more threatening bird). But as for right now, in this moment? We’re just not there. Maybe the next time around.
Boston Celtics: Venasaur
This is a good one. The Boston Celtics were one of the original professional basketball teams, all the way back in the Basketball Association of America in the late 40’s. They’re as iconic as it gets; a truly historic winner that is always relevant and always competing. They’re also green. Just like Venasaur! Venasaur is the fully evolved version of Bulbasaur (the first Pokémon listed in the Pokédex) and served as the box mascot for Pokémon Green (one of the very first Pokémon games ever made).
Of course, the Celtics traded Jalen Brown (1x Finals MVP) in the offseason for Paul George (0x Finals Participant) in the offseason. You might think that it’s bad idea to trade a former Finals MVP to an in-division rival and supply him with a new chip on his shoulder. You are not alone. I also think that it is a bad idea. The Celtics have forgotten more about winning than most franchises ever learn, though, so for now, I’m willing to give Brad Stevens the benefit of the doubt… I mean, “Venasaur.’
Brooklyn Nets: Slowpoke
Slowpoke and the Brooklyn Nets have one big thing in common — they’re terrible decision makers. The Nets are staring down the barrel of a long rebuilding process (without their first round pick this year) because they’ve gambled away their future on win-now superteams as many times as I’ve accidently mistaken Crest toothpaste for Preparation H (twice). It’s going to be a rough year for the Nets.
Slowpoke is called the “Dopey Pokémon” and the only way that it evolves is by sticking its tail into a body of water until it is bit square on its backside by another Pokémon (a Shellder, in case you were curious). Don't hang your head too much, though, Nets fans. Keep the faith. Brooklyn has the lowest payroll in the NBA, which could mean a ton of flexibility. Improvement could be just around the corner. Take it from me: when something unexpected comes into contact where the sun don’t shine, you’ll feel it.
Charlotte Hornets: Ekans
“Ekans” is just the word “Snake” backwards. If we applied that naming convention to the Hornets, they’d be “Ercoidem”. The Hornets can be defined in one word — Defanged. Ekans is a snake Pokémon, but if you look up a picture of one, you’ll notice that it um … doesn’t have any fangs/teeth? The Hornets shipped out Lamelo Ball and Miles Bridges over the summer for a haul of future draft capital, but the two were huge contributors last year and accounted for a combined 12.7 win shares for a Hornets team that saw its highest win total in a decade. There are plenty of reasons to be hopeful for the future, not least of which because the Hornets actually did something with a long-term vision in mind for once. Kon Knueppel and Brandon Miller are both great, but the Hornets are going to be exactly what they appear to be. Ercoidem.
Chicago Bulls: Rattata
Caleb Wilson seems like he’s going to be really in good in the league. There, I’ve said something nice about the Chicago Bulls. Rattata is usually the punchline to a joke about useless Pokémon, and the Bulls are a joke in and of themselves. Rattata has always been my least favorite Gen 1 Pokémon, and while the Bulls are by no means my least favorite team, Jerry Reinsdorf is probably my least favorite NBA owner.
I did not like the way he threw Jerry Krause (who admittedly did himself no favors) under the bus in The Last Dance, pinning him with the dissolution of the MJ era. Reinsdorf conveniently failed to mention that he’s one of the cheapest, most inept owners in all of sports (as White Sox fans can attest), that he didn’t want to pay any more money to Phil Jackson or the rest of the Bulls as they aged, or that he was only saying these things about Krause because the man was already dead and couldn’t defend himself. Likewise, I’ve never gotten over the fact that Bulls fans booed Jerry Krause’s widow to the point of tears a few years ago. That is, like, begging for the basketball gods to curse your franchise. And you know what? It just might have worked.
Cleveland Cavaliers: Ghastly
Do you think that Cleveland is still cursed? I don’t. Not really, at least. I think that LeBron did away with all that in 2016 with the craziest exorcism this side of Father Lankester Merrin. I do think that there might still be some residual ghost-adjacent malarky, though. Think about it — it took every bit of willpower from the greatest basketball player of the last 30+ years to lead his team back from a 3-1 series deficit in the Finals against the winningest single-season team ever. That’s what it took to get the Cleveland Cavaliers a ring. Do you think that this Cavs roster is capable of doing that? I don’t.
According to the Pokédex, Ghastly is a ghost-type that has a very faint body which lacks true substance. That feels pretty on brand for a Cavs team that still doesn’t have a solid identity. Mobley never took "the leap", Mitchell still devolves a little too easily into hero-ball antics, and even though James Harden can win you some games in the regular season, his track record in the playoffs is … well … James Harden's playoff record. It's a group I feel more comfortable comparing to ghosts than the "Ghostbusters".
Dallas Mavericks: Wartortle
We lose a little bit of continuity with the other two Gen 1 starters (Venesaur and Charizard), butyou can see where I’m going with this. Wartortle is the second form in Squirtle’s evolutionary line (Squirtle evolves into Wartortle, which evolves into Blastoise). And while the Dallas Mavericks are not a founding member of basketball, Cooper Flagg’s emergence as a candidate for the future Face of the League necessitates comparison to Blastoise — the face of Pokémon Blue, one of the most iconic video games of all time (which replaced Pokémon Green in the first generation of Pokémon games in American markets) ((Yes, it is confusing. Just know that Blastoise is iconic and cool)).
He hasn’t quite reached it yet obviously — at just 19 years old, he's only in his second professional season and still a little up-and-down between games. In just a few years’ time, with the right situation around him, and (hopefully) some playoff experience under his belt, Cooper Flagg could absolutely evolve into the basketball equivalent of a 5-foot-tall bipedal tortoise with literal cannons sticking out of his back.
Denver Nuggets: Snorlax
Pull up a picture of Snorlax and put it side-by-side with a picture of Jokic and tell me that they don’t give off the exact same vibe. Sure, Jokic does a lot more than Snorlax does (can you imagine Snorlax bringing the ball up the court or trying to whip a pass behind his back across the lane?) and has really slimmed down the past few years. Their energies are the same, though. They’re both incredible, essential parts of any team that can succeed with nearly anyone around. They both make up for a lot of deficiencies in team-construction, which can actually lead to underdeveloped or underbaked complimentary pieces around them.
Nobody ever talks about this either, but Snorlax actually does also dream of retiring to a harness horse racing stable in Serbia. The similarities are endless.
Detroit Pistons: Hitmonchan
What a roller coaster ride these last few years have been for the Detroit Pistons. From the longest losing streak ever in 2024, to a playoff berth in 2025, to the number one record in the East in 2026. Of course, in those 2026 playoffs, the Pistons surrendered a 3-1 lead in the first round, rallied back to win the series, then lost a Game 7 at home in the following round.
To call last year a disappointment would be an understatement. Such is life for championship contenders though. If there is one constant in the history of those who seek to summit the mountain, it is that one must take the hits. In order to rise, there is an almost inescapable necessity that one must fall. A championship team must lick their wounds and taste their blood. That reminder of mortality is the source of inspiration; it is the lifeblood of nearly every champion in NBA annals. It is, more than anything, the life of a fighter. No Pokémon knows that life better than Hitmonchan, and no one seems more inclined to embrace the fight than the Pistons.
Golden State Warriors: Pikachu
Is Pikachu the biggest Pokémon? No. Is Pikachu the best Pokémon? Not really. Does any of that matter? Absolutely not. It would be easy enough to write off the Warriors this year – they’re the oldest team in the NBA and have been somewhat injury-plagued over the last few years. Discount them at your peril. How many times has Ash (the protagonist of the Pokémon anime) trusted his Pikachu to stare down a clearly superior opponent? And how many times has Pikachus gutted out a win through sheer effort and know-how? Too many to count.
Yaxel Lendeborg looks like a stud, Steph is still a top-tier superstar, Steve Kerr is still holding the clipboard, and Jimmy Butler should help provide some consistency on both sides of the ball when he returns around midseason. Not to mention the fact that Pikachu and Steph are probably No. 1 and No. 2 on the list of Most Likable Things Ever (Moms, Potable Water, and Onion Rings rounding out the Top 5, in that order). They might not be the scariest on paper, but the games don’t take place on paper, do they?
Houston Rockets: Nidoking
I was wrong about the Houston Rockets. After the weird team chemistry last year, the injuries, and the KD burner thing that still hasn’t really gotten a satisfying resolution, I thought the Rockets might have been too toxic to save. I was wrong. I knew that missing Fred VanVleet was a major issue, but I had no idea he (and Marcus Smart) would help make such an impact! As of the writing of this list, the Rockets have a ludicrous 7 players averaging double digit points and are shooting nearly 40 percent from 3 as a team!
I went with Nidoking because it looks cool, has an awesome name, and because its Ground/Poison typing does mean that it has a little toxicity to it. Yes, the results on the court thus far have been dramatic, but I’ve seen Kevin Durant star in this movie before. Maybe I’m just trying to save face, but let’s see what happens in February when the Rockets hit a rough patch and things aren’t quite so fun. If Houston can get through one full regular season while maintaining the composure of an even somewhat normal team, they’ll have made a believer out of me.
Indiana Pacers: Gengar
This seemed like a way cooler comparison two weeks ago. Gengar is a creature of the night and of dreams, and I really thought that the Indiana Pacers were going to be a nightmare (in a good way). Tyrese Haliburton had — quite literally — the clutchest postseason of all time and returned to a roster nearly identical to the one they went to the Finals with. Plus Ivica Zubac! It was always going to be an uphill climb to get back to those 2025 playoff heights, but I believed.
The Pacers have proven that they just need to make the playoffs, which is still absolutely in play, but Hali’s already dealing with another injury and the championship window feels like it’s shrinking by the day. Maybe the Pacers really are Gengar, not haunting their opponents, but forever haunting us with what could have been in Game 7. I’m not having fun anymore.
Los Angeles Clippers: Voltorb
Anyone who has ever played a Pokémon video game knows where I’m going with this knows and knows that I nailed it. Voltorb is a little ball-shaped guy who seems appealing to the untrained eye. It even looks like a Pokéball! Meanwhile, the Los Angeles Clippers play a sport involving a ball and seem moderately appealing to the uneducated: they’re in LA, they’ve got a brand-spanking new stadium and an owner who is, if nothing else, enthusiastic about the team.
Voltorb’s biggest flaw though, is that it’s signature move - which it simply cannot help to bust out at every available opportunity — is called “Self-Destruct.” Which does exactly what you think it does. Given the chance, Voltorb will almost inevitably explode in a giant, violent explosion that completely defeats itself and knocks itself out of competition. Do I need to expand on the comparison? I don’t think I do.
Los Angeles Lakers: Alakazam
And so, the new era of the Los Angeles Lakers begins in earnest. There’s another new owner (supposedly), LeBron is gone, and the keys to the car officially sit in the pockets of Luka Doncic. It should surprise no one that the Lakers have (and will continue to have) a tremendous offense with a precarious defense. Just like Alakazam!
Check out these similarities: Alakazam has a sky-high Special stat and the Lakers have Luka, one of the most special players in the league. Both are incredibly popular and the people who love them absolutely refuse to shut up about them – you can probably find someone in your life who is an Alakazam fan. And you definitely know someone in your life who is a Laker fan, despite never having lived in the Western Time Zone. To top it all off, neither would be here right now were it not for a trade (Kadabra only evolves into Alakazam when it’s traded)! This is why I get paid the big bucks.
Memphis Grizzlies: Dragonite
Wha-? How-? Is this real life? The Memphis Grizzlies are good?? Before the season, the Grizzlies were considered by most to be a long-shot for the Play-In Tournament. Now, they’re contending at the very top of the Western Conference and were the last undefeated team of the season! Sure, they may not have played a gauntlet to this point (they’ve beaten the Jazz and the Kings twice apiece), but the Grizzlies suddenly have one of the brightest futures in the league. They boast a roster chock full of young talent who know their roles, on top of a ton of cap space and plenty of draft capital.
No one would ever call Dragonite an underdog, but its Pokédex entry in Pokémon Moon warns, “Incur the wrath of this normally calm Pokémon at your own peril, because it will smash everything to smithereens before it’s satisfied”. Take it in, Grizzly fans. Right now, today, you are a top-tier, endgame Pokémon.
Miami Heat: Hypno
Hypno is a weirdo. It carries around a little pendulum that it uses to perform hypnosis and generally try to trick its opponents. It’s not so much that it lies (if you look at its base stats, it has an extremely high Special stat), it’s just that Hypno deceives. The Miami Heat are special too; they have a guy who is capital-S Special in Giannis now, paired with the guy who had the greatest scoring performance in modern NBA history.
At the same time, you do kind of get the feeling that the Heat are, like, constantly waving sparklers around in front of your face, going “Hey look, we’ve got Giannis! We have Bam and Spo! We’re going to be great!” trying to distract you from the fact that the supporting cast is one of the most underwhelming in the NBA. Can they sustain their illusion for very long? Early returns say no.
Milwaukee Bucks: Cubone
Cubone is so sad. It’s a Pokémon that exists because it lost its mother. Seriously. It’s not implied; it is a fact that every single Cubone has lost its mother, and that’s what makes them Cubones. How messed up is it to have a Pokémon that only exists after having suffered a trauma so horrible that it totally defines the entire species of the Pokémon? I guess it is a poignant statement about the nature of trauma and how much it can change someone, but doesn’t that feel just a little too heavy for a game ostensibly marketed towards kids? It’s just sad.
That’s what the Milwaukee Bucks are.
They’re sad.
They lost Giannis, which has transformed them from a playoff hopeful, former championship team to a tragedy that might be just a little too heavy for a kid to watch. Bucks games should have an NC-17 rating until further notice.
Minnesota Timberwolve: Eevee
I’ll never know what to think about the Minnesota Timberwolves. At their best, they look like a team that absolutely belongs in any conversation about championship contenders. At other times, they just…don’t have it. Trading for Lamelo Ball in the offseason might have been the riskiest all-in move of the summer and Anthony Edwards’ knee injury will not only hurt the Wolves’ record, but it delays us finding out if the two are even a viable long-term pair.
It feels like there are a ton of ways this season can go for them. Just like how Eevee can evolve into eight different Pokémon! Will the team go the route of friendship and comradery like a Sylveon? Will they become brooding and sullen a la Umbreon? Maybe they’ll take a leaf out of Jolteon’s book and catch lightning in a bottle? Or will they go up in flames like a Flareon?
New Orleans Pelicans: Grimer
Do you know what Grimer is? It’s a living mound of sludge masquerading as a living being. It stinks. The New Orleans Pelicans are a living mound of sludge masquerading as a professional basketball organization. Don't let them fool you. They stink.
New York Knicks: Charizard
Like the Celtics, the New York Knicks were a founding member of the BAA and are another signature franchise in the world of professional basketball. Like Venasaur, Charizard was a box mascot in for the first generation of Pokémon video games (Pokémon Red). The Charizard trading card consistently ranks as one of the most valuable cards in the hobby, while the Knicks are consistently ranked as one of the most valuable franchises in the Association.
Sure, the Knicks might have stumbled a bit out of the gate, but in the anime, Charizard was the toughest Pokémon for Ash to wrangle. When the chips hit the table though, Charizard almost always came through in spectacular, incendiary fashion and the Knicks did nothing last year but prove that they can catch fire exactly when and how they need to. Did I just pull references from the video games, trading card game AND the anime to support this comp? MAN, I’m good.
Oklahoma City Thunder: Gyarados
Is there a more badass Pokémon than Gyarados? I doubt it. A flying 20-foot-long sea serpent? Whoa. Nearly all of its Pokédex descriptions focus on its immense destructive potential and unmatched fury. Does that not sound like the Thunder? Obviously, we have to mention the painfully unfortunate injuries that they’ve suffered up and down the roster. It sucks. It’s crazy to think about, but the Thunder’s margin of error is already next to nothing. Luckily, they have the perfect man for this job. Think about it from SGA’s perspective — all of this talk about the Knicks and Wembenyama, how quickly people have written off the Thunder and even disregarded his MVP’s with Jokic-fatigue excuses.
What better way to silence the doubters than by shouldering the load and weathering this storm? Could SGA keep the Thunder alive near the top of the conference without his two most important teammates for huge chunks of the season? If anyone can, it’s him. There is a chance that he could win a nearly unprecedented third-straight MVP (not done since Larry Bird in the mid 80s) and tear through the playoffs to become the first team of the 2020s to win multiple championships. WHOA.
Orlando Magic: Poliwhirl
It must be so hard being a Orlando Magic fan. All the franchise’s best players had their peaks in other places, they haven’t won a playoff series since 2010, and just when this generation looked promising, they fell apart like they were Team Rocket (Great reference, Clayton). They maintain the fourth-highest payroll in the league, and all they did after blowing a 3-1 lead to the Pistons last year was bring in a new head coach and Nikola Vucevic. That doesn’t seem like a winning formula, but I can at least get excited about bringing Vuc back.
As a teenager, the first basketball game I played was 2k13, and my player got drafted by the Magic. As the point guard of a miserable team, I just spammed pick and rolls with Vuc and turned the Magic into a bona fide contender. If you had told me back then that Vucevic was one of the three best centers in the league, I would have believed you. Let’s give a quick shout out to the 2012-13 Orlando Magic, folks. Oh, and this team? I mean, they basically just ran it back and are hoping to be healthier (which already isn’t happening). Which is why we’re going with Poliwhirl. They’re both blue and their idea of evolution is literally just being the same thing but… angrier, I guess?
Philadelphia 76ers: Kabutops
Here’s what we know about Kabutops.
- Old (literally a resurrected fossil)
- Allowed to persist in the modern era because of the miracle of modern technology and advancements
- Has razors for hands
- Does not naturally reside in the city of Philadelphia
Here’s what we know about the Philadelphia 76ers and their new star* LeBron James
- Relatively old (eighth oldest roster in the NBA with an average age of 27.07)
- Are largely helped thanks to the miracle of modern medicine and technology (LeBron with his fitness and Embiid with his paper mâché bones)
- Maintain a star-studded starting five that resembles the basketball-equivalent of razors for hands.
- LeBron does not actually reside in the city of Philadelphia
As with any miraculously reconstituted fossil, things might seem a little brittle at times. A lingering threat that the whole thing could fall apart at any moment, for any number of reasons, persists. It might be only a small chance that the whole thing stays healthy and cohesive over the course of a full NBA season, but that chance does exist. What it does last? If that age-earned wisdom combines with those razor hands and a little bit of luck in the playoffs? LeBron said it best himself.
Phoenix Suns: Krabby
Krabby is uh … it’s a Pokémon, right? And the Phoenix Suns are a basketball team, right? So they both definitely are something, they’ve got that going for them at least. There’s just no getting around it: the Suns are going to be a tough watch this year. Devin Booker is still an All-Star-caliber player, but his contract is paying him like an MVP-caliber player, while the Suns’ cabinet of draft assets is concerningly scarce. Let me put it this way — if you took a Pokémon personality quiz and got Krabby, you’d absolutely retake the quiz and try to get a better Pokémon. If you’re a Suns fan, you’re probably wishing you could redo your life and try to be a fan of a better franchise.
Portland Trail Blazers: Tangela
Q: What even is Tangela?
No one knows for sure. Nearly all of its Pokédex entries contain some variation of the same information: “Its identity is obscured by masses of thick, blue vines.”
Q: Does that … work?
Apparently so! The only other consistent bit of information we get about Tangela is that it uses its amorphous vines to confuse and/or unnerve opponents.
Q: What even are the Trail Blazers?
Tough to say. The team name and logo combo has always been a bit confusing, and just a few weeks ago, a backcourt combo of Damian Lillard and Ja Morant had me convinced that the Blazers were in for an, at least, “confusing” year.
Q: Is that ... working?
Actually — yes! The Portland Trail Blazers are contending at the very top of the West thanks not only to Deni Avdija’s continued rise, but on the balance of their roster and chemistry of their backcourt! Ja’s injury came at the worst possible time though, as he’ll miss at least four weeks with a hamstring strain. Still, the Blazers’ start is cause for optimism this season!
Sacramento Kings: Goldeen
If you were asked to name all the OG Pokémon from memory, you’d forget about Goldeen. And if you were asked to name all of the NBA teams, you’d be forgiven for forgetting about the Sacramento Kings. As you should. They say that “every Pokémon is someone’s favorite”, and while I don’t doubt that, I have never heard or seen anyone claim Goldeen as their favorite Pokémon. Similarly, I have never actually met a Kings fan.
Let’s stop for a second and really spend a moment to acknowledge them and the pain that they are subjected to year in and year out.
You are seen. Your pain is acknowledged. I wish for something better for you.
Did you enjoy that moment? I hope so, because that moment is now over. In the interest of honesty, I should tell you that, outside of the occasional Acuff highlight, I will probably forget about your team by January. Again. Godspeed.
San Antonio Spurs: Mewtwo
Obviously. Mewtwo is generally regarded as the most powerful of the original 151 Pokémon, and Victor Wembenyama may well be the most dangerous basketball player alive. Mewtwo can levitate, communicate via telepathy, teleport, and possesses preternatural psychic abilities. Victor Wembnyama can basically do all of that, AND he’s 7-foot-4. The key difference between them? Mewtwo was born a killer and had to learn compassion.
Wembenyama, while unquestionably competent and competitive, just needs that last bit of step-on-your-throat ruthlessness to achieve his final form (and maybe a go-to post move. Learn the skyhook, Wemby!). Pain is the ultimate teacher, and Wemby got an Ivy-league education in the Finals last year. If the San Antonio Spurs can take those lessons to heart and use their defeat as motivation, not even a crying group of semi-sentient animals can save us.
Toronto Raptors: Parasect
The Toronto Raptors got Kawhi Leonard, which is a good thing, but it does feel a little weird to celebrate getting Kawhi at this point. He is an objectively good player when he’s healthy and not covertly engaging in fake endorsements that torpedo the franchise he plays for. The thing is, he’s rarely ever healthy and literally just torpedo’d the Clippers like he was fired out of a nuclear submarine. Why is Parasect a good match?
Because Parasect isn’t actually the bug – it’s the mushroom growing out of its back, which uses the bug’s body as a host. When Parras evolves into Parasect, the mushroom makes it an objectively better Pokémon at the cost of future prospects and removing so many of the qualities that had made Parras an attractive host in the first place. Hopefully the Raptors learn from the mistakes of the Clippers and don’t trade Scottie Barnes to the Thunder while they’re at it.
Utah Jazz: Psyduck
Psyduck is constantly dealing with a paralyzing, splitting headache from which it receives no relief. I can imagine no better analogy to what the experience of following the Utah Jazz must be like. Expectations for the Jazz weren’t high to begin with, but they’ve somehow managed to underperform those this point. As a lifelong Kansas Basketball fan, I’ll probably end up watching more Jazz games than I’d like (truthfully, I’d like to watch zero) for Darryn Petterson (and Svi Mykhailiuk), but I fully expect to receive a mind-scrambling headache every time the color of their jerseys hit my eyes.
Washington Wizards: Caterpie
Could the Washington Wizards be… good? Or at the very least, watchable? The team is mired in question marks (Will AJ Dybantsa live up to the hype? Will Trae Young play up to his mammoth contract? Can Anthony Davis stay healthy for a whole season?), but the fact that we are evening asking questions about the Wizards’ potential is a sign of improvement. (My answers? Definitely, probably not, no). They’ve only won 50 games total over the last three seasons and their last deep playoff run took place before Post-it notes existed.
We’ll play it safe and go with Caterpie. It has the potential to bloom into a beautiful Butterfree but could just as easily get stomped out super hard and make you wonder why you ever believed a caterpillar could hold its own in martial combat against, say, an actual fire-breathing dragon.
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